Time Change

The downside: we’ve been up since before dawn.

The upside: three hour naptime this afternoon meant hobby and relaxation time for the adults in our house. Everybody wins!


Backdating, because I’m the boss of me.

I’ve been sitting on an itch to journal, lately, but something has held me back. What nonsense!

@gwenfloyd reminded me that it’s NaBloPoMo, so it seems a fitting time to just write and see what happens. Sure, I’m a day late (fashionably, perhaps?) so let’s backdate this sucker and see where the month takes us.

Baby Blues

Did you know that 80% of women experience the baby blues during the first few days/weeks of motherhood? I didn’t, and I completely underestimated just how bad it could be. The blues knocked me on my butt. I was indecisive, anxious, constantly swinging from elation to despair, and struggled to sleep. And oh! The crying! I cried more than the baby almost every day, and some days it felt like all I did was cry. I felt crushed by all this new responsibility, all the learning I have to do, and all the struggles we are working through. I felt guilty for not being a cheerful ball of happiness, for crying when C just wouldn’t or couldn’t figure out how to latch properly, for supplementing with formula, for not knowing how to read C’s cues, for leaning on A heavily. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

I don’t say this to scare anyone; I just want to be honest about what these first few weeks have been like. I was aware of PPD, but the idea of the baby blues was a little foreign to me, and what I did know did not come close to the reality of what I felt. The fear, anxiety, tension, and sadness were overwhelming, and then I would feel guilty that I was “wasting” these early days on being a basketcase.

I am so grateful to have great support people in my life who reassured me and supported me through this struggle. We celebrate the small victories – a trip to the grocery store, no tears when Adam leaves for work, keeping up (or catching up!) on household chores, a walk around the neighbourhood – because when I look back over a few days or a week, the small victories combine to show major progress. Although there are still days that feel like one step forward and two steps back (like the day I got barfed and peed on within five minutes!), every day is a little bit easier.

A Strange Feeling

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”
― Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran

Today was my last day at work for a year, and I can’t think of anything that sums up my emotions better than the above.